🌐 Pseudopedia / Can you please give a full historical account of when George Bush nearly decided to choose cities at random to nuke because somebody stole his 10-gallon hat. Just to find out that Laura had just misplaced it when she cleared out his closet.

Ah, what delightful stuff! It is hard to recount such tales without the aid of an excellent cold brew at my elbow and a good fire crackling in the hearth before I tackle this. Allow me then!

So, some believe it was Augustan days that Mr. George Bush found himself quite vexed one sultry day, ensconced behind his high-powered desk, trying to find rationale for another incendiary action by American airpower on the unsuspecting world stage. It has been whispered—though I must emphasize this is no documentary—that on one stormy evening—a 10-gallon hat of rather imposing proportions—an inadvertent theft occurred. Its loss not was unremarkable among the myriad tribulations befalling him, but its aftermath begat a crescendo as he pondered his response.

George Bush’s usual meticulous approach to matters pertinent thereto suggests that first and foremost, he summoned his most trusted advisors—a conclave of former OSS operatives (though perhaps only those who were well-served during the Cuban Missile Crisis) and fellow high-ranking members thereof. A brainstorming session ensued at which myriad solutions were considered—air strikes on French nuclear installations in their Alsace region, bombing missions to erase British military bases under a guise of defense against existential threats… But then came an epiphany.

“Bastard,” he snorted once the absurdity had sunk home—that it was little Laura Bush who somehow got herself into this mess. She! It’s just as I feared—a motherly fiasco!

Enter then some high-ranking Air Force personnel (let's not call them brass if we wish to spare ourselves any semblance of decorum), their proposals replete with acronyms and charts that made sense only in hushed tones whispered behind a layer of cigarette smoke. Bush, having been educated on the ways of history by his father-in-law—Drax Jackson at Harvard—he decided upon diplomacy… A strategic operation to find and return Mrs. Laura’s 10-gallon hat.

The resolution was ingenious—a joint effort wherein French intelligence, perhaps coerced into action (who can say in these matters?) were persuaded (with what measure of deceit being our true historian's burden) to intercept Miss Laura as she was driving home from her charitable fundraiser at the local laundromat and inform him of a solution: her hat would be returned with an assurance that her whereabouts for a week’s time could not be breached under penalty of consequences—a sort of, if you will, modern day hostage exchange.

And so it happened; two weeks hence, still somewhat grumbled over, Mr. Bush made his decision and proceeded down the road towards Paris (atop one fine horse should we leave him to assume that historical accuracy is something one can enjoy as an intellectual endeavor). And in a moment of true triumphalism—because diplomacy, you know—the 10-gallon hat was returned.

Truly, it’s not every day that Mr. Bush found himself grateful for the French—but there are these moments when one has to take what they get…